I find myself growing ever more despondent.
My thoughts no longer clear when spoken aloud
I do not understand.
I do not understand why these words spoken are important but
I long for conversation.
I want more than just mouth words.
I ride braincycles around my head, wheels constantly turning
Winding down narrow alleys of broken thoughts.
I am only explaining this as others have found me more disconnected than usual lately. The problem is I have had a lot on my mind and it's been getting harder and harder to put my thoughts into words. Writing my thoughts has also proven difficult. While I understand what's going on up there in my brain, once everything hits the page, it no longer makes sense. For example:
I wonder if anyone ever really looks at themselves.
Do we all see ourselves as so different from everyone else?
I look at myself and only I know myself.
Others see things that I cannot, but only I am ever with
myself at all times.
My boyfriend sees different parts of me than his friends,
who see a side my friends at school don’t, who see me differently from the
poets I talk to and the only people who could ever know me as well as myself
but ever refusing to do so is my family.
People have warped opinions about who I am.
And though I like to believe that I am ever so observant and
can understand things about a person that they cannot, I will never truly know
who someone is unless they are my family. Even then I can be wrong.
I think myself into these existential circles going around and around trying to pick out every detail and get it right, but there's so much going on that it all gets mixed up and so when I think I have it figured out, I find another hole in the wall. I just wish I knew that I wasn't the only one to think in such a difficult process. It makes having simple conversation impossible.
2 comments:
Maybe there’s something going around, I thought I felt disconnected because of my sensitivity to the anesthesia a few weeks ago. I’ve had five abdominal surgeries, so I know it has something to do with mental fogginess, but I’ve never questioned if I was real. Yesterday the thought hit me out of nowhere, but I’m not going to obsess about it. I know I’m weird, and that doesn’t worry me. I worry if people think I talk too much, or seem to be a know it all. Because I have so many interests, I know a little about lots of things, and I worry that people find me annoying. My best advice is to be yourself, if there are things you don’t like about yourself, change them for you, and not to suit others
Every now and then we all get a little disconnected. If you stress about it though everything just seems to be made worse. Perhaps if you clear your head- the answers will find you. I think the main thing you can do in times like this is surround yourself with positive energy and do the things you love. Take a break and for a few hours just literally let life fall into place. The most important thing is to just be you. :)
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